Disney Movies - The "real" endings
The other day we were watching TV and a Disney commercial came on with a montage of a bunch of Disney movies. It showed a quick shot of a bunch of movies like The Little Mermaid, Beauty and the Beast, Mary Poppins, Snow White, etc.
Since the montage was showing all of the romantic scenes, Patti said ?They should make a follow up movie about what happens when they get married.?
So I thought I?d take a shot at coming up with the sequel for the originals, the ?realistic? sequel. This is the first two chapters in a series of realistic endings. I plan to write more when I feel like it and there is nothing you can do about it.
1. Beauty and the Beast.
<u>Summary of Original Movie</u>
A hairy beast lives in a mansion on a huge estate with a bunch of talking appliances and utensils. The beast and his staff, the appliances and utensils, were cursed at some point for some reason and that is why they are the way they are. To undo the curse, the beast has to get some action from an attractive young lady. It just so happens that Belle, an attractive young lady from the local village happens to find herself a prisoner of this beast and over time teaches him manners and how to behave. They become friends.
A steroid injecting bully from the town for some reason wants to kill the beast and he gets a group of other nitwits to march out to the castle with pitchforks and torches to kill the thing. A fight ensues, the bully gets killed I think, the beast gets killed too.
<u>Ending of Original Movie</u>
While the beast lies dieing, the young lady kisses him and he turns back into a handsome young man. While turning back from a beast to a human, he somehow becomes un-dead and they kiss again. The guy?s staff also turns back into humans or whatever they were originally.
<u>Real World Sequel</u>
The thing the first movie failed to mention was that the beast, since the town was afraid of him, never paid taxes. Keep in mind that his castle, worth millions alone in the inflated French real estate market, sits on hundreds of acres of prime development land. The town administrative office, made up of three selectmen, decide that it?s about time he starts paying property tax. Since his spell was just released, they only go back two years, which is a ton of money, especially for someone who hasn?t had a job in years.
Belle, being from a poor household and from a fairly poor part of town, could care less about the house and property. All she wants is to be with her fresh-shaven young beau, the old beast. So they decide to sell off parcels of land to a condo-development company to pay off some of their taxes.
Meanwhile, the household staff is getting restless because they are working their asses off but not getting paid. They look into things and create a union, House Support Local 302. The union (local 302) rep, the old candlestick, comes to Belle and the Beast with a new contract. Their first contract actually. They demand reasonable stuff like to get paid, health insurance and a 401K plan. They also threw some ridiculous stuff in there because they knew they are going to have to negotiate for the more important stuff. They knew that the Beast will never give them 5 weeks of paid vacation and sick days that accrue, but they didn?t want to concede on a mandatory 4% pay increase each year so they put those things in to negotiate.
Belle and the Beast knew they could not pay the house staff, pay to maintain the mansion and pay off the remaining back taxes. So they decide to sell the rest of the land, sell the mansion, and move. After doing some research, they plan to buy a small place in a town right outside Paris that appears to be in the initial stages of gentrification and had good schools. Local 302 didn?t mind and ended up moving to Las Vegas to continue to work in the services business.
After selling off the land and house, pay back taxes, buy the place in the new town, the happy couple had enough money left over to start a new life. Belle opens a small flower shop and the Beast goes to work delivering Poland Springs water. The movie ends with Belle leaning out the front door of her house, 6 months pregnant, kissing the Beast before he leaves for work.
2. Little Mermaid
<u>Summary of Original Movie</u>
A mermaid lives in the?well, ocean, but wants to leave to live with humans. Her dad, who is also the king or ruler of the deep, at least the good fish, forbids her from having anything to do with humans. But Ariel, the mermaid, is pretty determined so she makes a deal with the bad octopus and is granted legs in exchange for her voice. The catch (pun intended) is that she must do the humpty-dumpty with the handsome Prince Eric, a good looking guy up top. If Eric doesn?t give her some lovin?, she gets sent back to the deep and her soul belongs to the squid.
Through some trickery, she doesnot get the prince to kiss her and a big fight ensues between her dad and the octopus.
<u>Ending of Original Movie</u>
The dad gets her soul back, frees all the other trapped souls, and in a gesture of fish-altruism, makes Ariel a human so she can marry Prince Eric.
Her friends from the sea, a crab, seagull and flounder, are along for the ride. It?s great fun.
<u>Real World Sequel</u>
The sequel starts with the two going on a huge, extravagant and expensive honeymoon. After all, they both grew up in privilege and money, going to the best schools, having daddy pay for college and grad school, getting new cars or whatever they drive underwater, spending Saturdays at the club while mommy drinks herself stupid and dad ignores the kids while playing golf and smoking cigars. Money means nothing to these two.
After the 4 month honeymoon that involved everything but a cruise, they return to Eric?s seaside castle. Having grown up in the sea, Ariel nags Eric to move farther inland. Since he pays others to collect taxes from the surfs that run the farms, Eric sees no reason why he shouldn?t. After all, Ariel is pretty hot, has a nice voice, and makes a great baked white-fish dish with lemon and garlic.
So Eric buys the mansion that Belle and the Beast just moved out of and soon gets bored. Ariel is obviously a spoiled brat since she never listened to a word her dad said and almost lost her soul because of it, so why should she listen to Eric. He wants her to do some charity work with the local homeless shelter and organize fund raisers for the other wealthy land owners. But she wants to hang out with the good looking tough guys who were part of that mob who almost killed the beast. Eric is everything she ever wanted but doesn?t have that wild side Ariel is looking for. Keep in mind, Ariel almost got herself and the flounder eaten by a shark to get human artifacts out of a sunken ship. She made a deal with the devil as the last resort to get what she wanted. Sneaking around her husband?s back to smoke cigarettes is child?s play.
One day Ariel has a little too much mead and ends up high-tailing it out of the county with a local tough guy. She realizes she is not ready to settle down and live the life of cocktail parties and almond colored tennis outfits and large hats while watching polo matches. She is seen riding away in his 1742, two-horse carriage.
Eric finds out and at first is calm. Being raised by a disciplined but fair father, he needs to make sure he doesn?t do anything rash or something he will regret. He plans out a plan to go find her, get rid of the other guy, and make Ariel come back. Through his network of land owners, he finds out where Ariel is and goes along with two body guards to talk to her. The guy Ariel is with finds out and meets Eric before he can talk to Ariel. He says that for the right price, he will break up with Ariel, break her heart, and she will realize how great Eric is. Eric agrees and pays the guy.
Eric goes back home and waits for weeks for Ariel to come back. When he realizes something is wrong, Eric treks out to find her and the boyfriend. Eric finds out that it was all a sham and the two ran off with his money. He is pissed as all hell and says to-heck with the niceguy act and seeks revenge.
The rest of the movie is Eric getting medieval on the boyfriend, his friends and finally Ariel. It?s not as brutal as Pulp Fiction or Kill Bill, but better than Revenge with Kevin Costner. The movie ends with Eric getting away with the killings and the last scene is Eric fishing with Ariel?s body parts.