My Take On Holidays
Now that Mother’s Day is behind us, I started thinking about other holidays we celebrate, and I use that term very loosely. Here is my take on some of the more well known, and less known, events. I left off the non-Christian holidays, like Yom Kippur, since I am not Jewish.
New Years Day – Celebrate another day on the calendar, remind people about the pain of getting older, sleep off a hangover.
Martin Luther King Day – The most influential black rights activist in history, he deserves this day. Jesse Jackson is a joke compared to him. Government jobs have off, I do not.
Groundhog Day – About as stupid of a day as I can think of. Means nothing to me. Stupid rat doesn’t see his shadow and we get more winter?? Wh…huh…what crack addict thought of this tradition? Drunk polka dancing looks like fun though. Plus great Bill Murray movie.
Presidents Day – Wonderful idea here. Set aside a day to remember our earlier presidents because people somehow forget that most of them were adulterating wealthy drunks who owned slaves.
Valentines Day – Holiday made up by Hallmark to boost lagging sales, puts undo pressure on men who want to keep their sex lives active.
Saint Patrick’s Day – Suddenly everyone claims to be Irish so they can get stinking drunk at 9 in the morning and act like fools, or in Boston, a typical Thursday.
Easter - The most important Christian holiday there is, let’s eat ham. Give kids chocolate first thing in the morning because a mystical rabbit came by the night before? Where is the connection?
Arbor Day – No idea at all how this came about. If we are going to have a day to remember to plant a tree, how about one to remember to wipe you’re a**. Sorry, trees are good, just kind of curious about the history on this one.
Mothers Day – Ridiculous event created by Hallmark, I hate them (Hallmark, not mothers), to make their quarterly numbers. Puts pressure on people like me to do something for the moms and spend a ton of money. Most mother’s do what most men could never do, so setting aside one day to honor them seems insulting.
Birthdays - We celebrate an actual day that someone was born, fine, I get this. Kind of crazy that the first few birthdays are huge events that the kids will never remember, where we gloss over most adult birthdays.
Fathers Day – Dumber than Mother’s Day. How about this, on Father’s day they should track down all deadbeat dads and men who leave their wife and kids without any support, and beat them unconscious.
Memorial Day - Remember the brave men and women who risked and gave their lives for our freedom, day off from work. Start of the summer, sort of. Usually cold in the morning and evening, lukewarm during the day. Try swimming at Jones Beach on Memorial Day. Headlights and shrinkage, welcome to Field 4.
July 4th - Birth of our nation, get drunk and sun burned. And oh yeah, after getting tanked on cheap canned beer, light off bombs with kids running around. I just wish this was like Memorial or Labor Day and always on a Monday. I hate when it falls on a Wednesday. It does cut the week up though.
Labor Day – Do unemployed get to do anything? Trailing bookend to the summer. Depressing because most people have a slow and steady decline to look forward to ending in an ice and snow induced shut in. Parents of kids celebrate getting their routine back.
Columbus Day – Celebrate someone’s inability to sail. On October 12 a new era of European expansion and exploration began. Wonder if the folks in the Bahamas think it’s so great.
Halloween – Give otherwise normal kids a chance to beg for candy. Give older kids a reason to attack people with eggs and shaving cream. Give adults a chance to buy huge bags of candy and eat 90% of it themselves.
Veterans Day – War, anyway you slice it, is horrific. Necessary, but horrific. A 92 year old bronze star winner I met recently said “World War 2 was awful, I still have medical problems from it. Living in a fox hole for days at a time like animals.” These guys deserve more respect than anyone can give them.
Thanksgiving - We honor the moment we doomed the native Indians. Lovely.
Day After Thanksgiving – Since someone came up with the bright idea of a Thursday holiday, let’s just forget the entire work thing and give them off on Friday too, brilliant.
Christmas - The birth of the most famous and influential person in history, and as Christians believe, the savior of our souls. Children believe a gigantic fair skinned geriatric in a bright red costume, with a long beard, magically brings gifts to them in the middle of the night by illegally entering their homes through the chimney. If someone suggested this in today’s society, he would be fitted with an ankle bracelet and told to stay away from schools.
New Years Eve – Normally civilized people feel the need to get drunk and celebrate, way too crowded and obnoxious day around the globe. I wonder how many people do things they regret on this night, not that I would know. For parents of little children, staying awake to see the ball drop is far less important than getting some sleep. TiVo will record the event if something fun happens.