Transportation Security Administration
Before I begin my little story let me just apologize if I offend anyone who works for the Transportation Security Administration, or TSA. According to their website, the TSA’s mission is to protect the nation’s transportation systems by ensuring the freedom of movement for people and commerce. Now that is out of the way, here I go.
I travel all the time. I am in an airport every single miserable week. Since June I have traveled every single week of this wretched and dismal year. I hate it. And I hate the process of going through the airport. The security checkpoints where set up pre-Sept 11 and they cannot deal with the demands of our post-9/11 world. It’s excruciatingly slow to get through security and some, not saying me, but some, will argue that it is ineffective. There are a ton of TSA people standing around but the constraints of the hardware – the bag screening machines, the conveyor belts, the metal detectors – allow only a limited amount of people to pass through. There is a reason some say that TSA stands for Thousands Standing Around.
In any case, I am sure the TSA employees are generally fine people. I am sure they are smart and dedicated, but not the three I was near the other day. Please allow me to continue.
Before I forgot, I always thought that free laundry service would be a great idea at hotels and resorts. Sort of as an added selling point. The thing I hate about packing for business or vacation travel that involves a hotel is that you have to pack assuming you cannot wash your clothes. When I travel to a relative or friend’s house I can wash clothes, which greatly reduces my need to pack a ton of socks, underwear, t-shirts, running clothes, etc. And I don’t have to be exact with the number, I can guess and just wash clothes if I am off with my count. I would love to be able to send some laundry down to get done and know it will not cost me $6 for a pair of socks or $14.50 for a short sleeve T (17.50 for long sleeve) like at the NY Hilton. Just a thought.
So my TSA story. I was in one of those little trams that take people from the main area of the airport to a specific terminal. In my case I was in Denver, but that doesn’t really matter for this story. When I was waiting for the tram to arrive, three TSA people walked up, apparently heading back to work after a break. One was an older guy with a huge mustache, short and heavy, with an ace bandage on his forearm and a sunburn, narrow eyes and puffy lips. The second person was a woman about 40, on the heavy side, with soft facial features and bad skin. The third guy was a dim-witted looking male, probably about 20, with a goatee, unshaven, an earring in and a bad haircut. He kept saying stupid things under his breath and the other two ignored him, like they spend a lot of time with him and dismiss what he says all the time, mainly because he never says anything relevant. I tell you this because they were not impressive. They didn’t give off the sense of authority and protectionism like some of the TSA guys I see, who take their job seriously and with pride. These three looked like they were heading back to their jobs as WalMart security guards in the middle of nowhere (apologies to WalMart securities guards in the middle of nowhere who read this).
So we boarded the tram and I leaned against the wall. It was late in the day, I was expecting delays going to NY, which was another reason I was grumpy, because I was going to NY to finish out my work week instead of going home to be with my little brats and loving wife, and I had little patience. It was more of a melancholy mood than a “I’m going to snap at everyone mood and act like a jerk”, after all, it was no one else’s fault I was in this sad state of mind.
So the three dolt’s conversation went something like this.
Older Guy: How many time zones are there in the United States?
Me: (thinking to myself) What? What moron just asked that? And why? Where is the moron? Oh, the TSA dude.
Women: How many time zones are there in the United States?
Me: (thinking to myself) 7th grade social studies. Great. On a tram at the Denver Medieval Times Airport. With a bunch of idiots.
Young Guy mutters something under his breath, other two continue their fascinating conversation.
Older Guy: Yeah, how many? How many time zones are there in the United States of American?
Me: (thinking to myself) As opposed to the United States of My Ass? Jesus Christ, there are 6.
Women: Well, let’s see. (speaking really slow, obviously thinking hard). There is the east coast.
Me: (thinking) Eastern Standard Time to be correct. But I’ll give you credit for getting it right.
Women continuing: There is central, mountain, and pacific.
Me: Brilliant.
Older Guy: So how many time zones are there?
Me: 6.
Woman: There is eastern, mountain, pacific and central.
Me: Oh for Christ’s sake. Just say 4 then.
Older Guy: So how many?
Me: Jesus Christ. There are 6 you idiot. These are the people protecting my life??? Just say 6. There are 6. Idiots!! 6.
Woman: 4. There are 4 time zones.
Older Guy: What about Alaska? And Hawaii? Are they part of the United States of American?
Me: Good one cowboy. You just impressed two idiots, one of which just muttered something under his breath so please stop ignoring him. Why did you ask that anyway? Was it a continuation of a conversation you three were having over lunch on the history of global time zones or if they should rethink how they are divided or maybe on eliminating daylight savings time? Or maybe it was a continuation of a conversation about the effect of traveling across time zones. Probably not. But maybe.
Woman: Oh yeah, there are those two.
Me: Oh yeah, let’s not forget about Alaska and Hawaii, two huge states. They are not like South Dakota or West Virginia, or Iowa, states that could be eliminated and no one would care. Just make them a county in another state. Hawaii is like another country only you don’t need your passport and has some of the most sought after vacation spots in the world. And Alaska is beauty and isolation beyond compare. How could we forget about those two gems?
Older Guy: There are even more when you add the Aleutians and other US territories.
Me: Now you’re just showing off.
Woman: Right. There are those.
Me: Oh stop pretending you’re interested. You sound like me at a work event where I am wearing a badge with my company name on it and strangers are hitting me up for a job. You care as much as I care about the WNBA. And you, old man, why put us through this. I know your type. You bring up stupid facts to try to make yourself feel smarter than you really are. If you are so smart why haven’t I seen you on Jeopardy? Huh? Get on that show and win some bling.
The train stopped at terminal C and I got off and out of idiot-ville. Again, nothing against these people, they don’t bother me, I don’t bother them. I am just tired and was in no mood.