Survivor Crack Island
Survivor Panama: Exile Island: Series 24: Where On A Map Is This Place: At Least We Can Pronounce It: Contestants Look The Same As All Other Seasons.
Survivor is still one of my favorite shows. It's painful to watch to be honest but that is part of the fun. The challenges are rarely new but after so much time it's hard to come up with something new. After all, NFL games have the same rules and we turn in week after week to watch them. Same idea.
Anyway, there is this one psychopath on the show that reminds me of an ADD narrow minded crack addict who is wound tight as a drum. Oh wait, that is because he is an ADD narrow minded crack addict who is wound as tight as a drum. His name is Shane Powers and he is crazy. In his online profile it says "Powers believes he can be the Sole Survivor because of his unmatched communication skills." If unmatched communication is screaming incoherent profanity at other contestants than he is right.
Anyway, in the first episode he said he smoked three packs of cigs a day and quit only hours before. So "quitting"” to him meant he cannot bring cigarettes on the island. So of course I sat up in my seat, put my shoulder harness on and got ready for the ride. There is nothing like an irrational nut job who is stuck on an island with no food, no water, bugs, heat, no shower or toilet, no sleep and complete strangers PLUS going through withdrawal to make my Thursday night fun. I dream of stuff like this.
So that got me thinking about the next season. Eventually Survivor is going to run out of small third world countries to bribe and even idiots like me will get tired of the same old shtick. So here are my thoughts...
Survivor Rehab.
Put 16 people, complete strangers, on the island who are all going through some sort of withdrawal or early stages of rehab. I am not talking about someone who has not had a drink in 10 years, I am talking about a crack addict off the smack for a day. Potential ailments would be
- First and foremost would be crack. I have no idea what it's like coming off this stuff but leave the rich white investment banker in NY. Take the vomit on shirt, sold my shoes, will do anything for a hit crack head. Worst of the worst. And fly them directly from some dog poop infested gutter they were lying in right to the island. I want them coming off their high while Jeff throws them into the water.
- Alcohol. Nothing says 'Survivor' like someone who needs a stiff cold one at 7 in the morning so they can shave without slicing their face from shaking hands. I am not talking about your working stiff who has a few drinks after the day shift at the plant. I mean hard core down in the dumps drunk who looks like they are 90 by the time they hit their 40th birthday. Wait until they fall asleep at some Somerville dive and fly them straight to bug island.
- Cigarettes. Let's see how our buddy from this episode does. Something tells me that you can find a much bigger smoker than this lunatic.
- Cocaine. I remember hearing in some health class I had to take in high school that cocaine was not technically addictive. That any addiction was emotional and the body does not actually go through withdrawal. I have no idea but emotional addiction is good for me. I am sure they can find some third bit TV actor who blows all his money on this white powder. Better yet, get a super model. At least they are used to eating a blade of grass for dinner.
- Marijuana. No way. Some stoned out hippie working toward piece and harmony. Withdrawal from pot is probably as exciting as watching CSPAN 2 at 4 in the morning.
- Pain Killers. Easy to find someone addicted to this. Try middle America suburbs or professional athletes. You can take someone popping 21 pills a day or that oxycotton stuff. I have no idea what it's like but with the way drug stores get robbed for it, it must be pretty addictive. Put them on the island. I can see the sweat now.
- Sex Addict. Why not? If Oprah can fill daytime TV with smut, why not let the Survivor camera crew have fun. But none of that weird stuff like people who have sex with food or while trying to suffocate, that would even make me not TiVo it.
- Injury. I first thought about someone who is coming back from a bad injury, but what fun would that be? Seriously? Who wants to watch someone nurse back from a car accident while scrounging for wood. Not this faithful viewer. And even I am not sick enough to make fun of mental illness, burn victims or other trauma cases. I still have my principles, as small as they might be.
- Gambling. Why put gambling addicts on the island. They would just bet on which crack head is going to snort sand first.
- Heroin. Oh yes, heroin addicts would be the bell of the ball. According to the ever reliable Wikipedia, heroin is one of the most addictive drugs manufactured. A MUST for my Survivor season. Withdrawal includes
"sweating, malaise, anxiety, depression, persistent and intense penile erection in males, general feeling of heaviness, cramp-like pains in the limbs, yawning and lacrimation, sleep difficulties, cold sweats, chills, severe muscle and bone aches not precipitated by any physical trauma, nausea and vomiting, diarrhea, gooseflesh, cramps, and fever"
Wait, did they said "persistent and intense penile erection"??? Sweet mother of g*d, the heroin addicts will be the stars of my little series. And they will be in the same camp as the female sex addicts. That is in the contract. I could not write a better show.
- Work, eating and shopping addictions. No way. None will be a good story line for the island of despair. Especially shopping addicts. All I need is to have some rich housewife from southern California bitching about not getting to the latest Norstrams sale.
So that's it. 16 of societies worst all stuck on an island with a barrell of dirty water and no food for 39 days with hard physical challenges thrown in to their already miserable existance. Who needs American Experience when you have this kind of programming.